vanka_dee

( I need to bitch a little. )

As if that weren't enough, I just generally hate this time of year to begin with. I haven't gotten through a Thanksgiving without purging once since I was 10 years old (even during the 4 years where I was otherwise "recovered") so I'm not really a fan of it. Plus I'm not looking forward to having to see my sister or put up with my cousin and her children --especially since my aunt isn't even making broccoli cheese casserole this year (my favorite). But my only other option is to stay home and be miserable all by myself. You can't even begin to comprehend just how much I hate being alone.

November 30th was my grandma's birthday and she and I were really close so that's another difficult day. I usually wind up going to the cemetery and visiting her on her birthday but I was unable to last year because I was in the hospital. The fact that I'm clearly the only member of my family that even gives a damn about her doesn't help. The woman died in March of 2005 and STILL doesn't have a headstone? Guess that's something that I'll be purchasing once I get a real job.

Then there's Christmas. Grandma loved Christmas. I on the other hand really have never cared much for it. I used to fake my way through the season for her and I admit it, her enthusiasm for the holiday did occasionally rub off on me. I've been drunk to oblivion ever single Christmas since she's passed. I tried really hard the year after she died. I spent it with my mom's parents and my aunt and cousins on that side of the family. I spent a fortune on presents, wrapped them so well that Martha Stewart would have been proud and even dragged my heathen ass to church. Still, I was miserable and rather than crying my eyes out in front of a family I barely know, I drank screwdrivers and Bailey's Irish Cream like the shit was going out of style. I remember very little that happened after that. Even last year, I drank an entire bottle of Pinotage against doctor's orders. They told me that my liver wouldn't respond well to it considering the severity of my mono. Damned if I cared. My aunt walked in on my purging alcohol and about a pound of M&M's. Her only words? "Make sure you clean up after yourself." Every year I tell my family not to get me anything and to just leave me out of their holiday plans. But do they listen? No. I've tried physically LEAVING my family's Christmas celebrations only to have my uncle drag my ass back in the house and tell me that I had to stick around ...then I had to listen to him (and everyone else) bitch about my bad attitude. WHY can't I just be left out? Its painful for me. I HATE the goddamn holidays!

I'm so angry right now that I can't eat. The desire to purge is so STRONG that I'm clenching my fists trying to restrain myself each time I take my hands off of the keyboard. No dinner for me tonight. If I eat, I will purge, there is no question in my mind. I'm almost to six months and I won't do it. I want to vomit. I want to starve. I want to run until I pass out on the pavement. I want to slit my fucking wrists and watch the blood fall to the floor. That's how my mind works in times of stress, anger, despair ...whatever you choose to call it. Of course I can't turn to the one person I usually turn to when I'm feeling like this because even if she isn't somehow mad at me (given my history of percieving things that aren't true, I can't be certain afterall) I feel like such a shithead right now. I don't want to seem like I'm seeking attention or something and that's exactly how my eating disorder makes me feel. I feel like such a drama queen because anytime something doesn't go my way, I suddenly have the urge to hurt myself. Where was I when everybody else learned how to just fucking deal? I don't know how to do that. Someone dies? I become and insomniac and a compulsive exerciser. I get a shitty report card? I give up eating. I don't know how to cope without being self-destructive. The holidays do nothing to help matters.

Can we just fast forward from mid-November to New Year's? Life would be so much better if that were possible. I realize it is all my fault. How could it not be? But I don't know what to do about it. No amount of happiness in a bottle is gonna cure me no matter what my shrink says. It isn't as though I'm not trying. I think I have made a rather impressive effort thus far but it just never seems to be enough. As soon as the smallest road block appears, I want to die. How am I ever supposed to be happy? People will only continue to walk out of my life the same way that they always have once they realize what an incurable nutcase I am. I'm so lonely all the time and I hate it. I want to be somebody else sometimes. Anybody else.

This morning I woke up with a migraine. I caught it early and took my pill which worked, but it did take it a few (long) hours to do so.

I later hurt myself lifting a massive bag of change a customer brought into the bank to have counted. So now my arthritic wrist and the shoulder I keep re-injuring are sore as heck.

I was supposed to go down to Naperville and have.a date with Bill tonight, but on my way out the door, I tripped down the stairs. Luckilly, my (already sore) arm broke my fall. I decided that the universe hates me and Saturday the 14th is bad luck. I told Bill that I needed to reschedule. I feel bad but going out tonight seemed like a poor decision given the way things kept going today. We did have lunch in downtown Chicago on Thursday though nd that was nice.

On a brighter note, I did finally finish beading/embroidering my coat. It only took over a week! The judges better appreciate that effort this spring!

So it turns out that my shrink thinks I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and that I either need to buy a light box or increase the dosage on my meds. Option A is expensive and not covered by insurance. Option B scares me. It took long enough to convince me to take the damn pills in the first place and while I believe that they have helped, I don't really feel as though increasing the dosage is a particularly great idea. I don't want to be flattened out by perscription drugs.

I haven't seen my horse in what feels like a ridiculously long time and its really beginning to bother me. I miss her. A lot! I really hope that she doesn't begin to believe that I've abandoned her or something like that. I really can't to see her over Thanksgiving and I want to bring her an extra-special treat. I'd get her a stall snack, but somebody keeps moving her to different stalls and losing her things when she moves! I paid $15 for that stupid apple shaped piece of plastic because she likes those damn things so much! I've also lost a Jolly Ball (or have I lost both?) and I'm not happy about it. The worst part is that I really won't get to see her a whole lot over the next two semesters. In order to graduate in December 2010, I need to take 18 credits this spring and 19 in the fall. I really only technically need 30 more credits to have enough for graduation, but I have to take more than that in order to fufil a few requirements. Still, staying an entire extra semester and being only part-time seems wasteful. I already have $60,000 in debt and each semester in school seems to add about another 10K. I really just want to graduate, get out of Milwaukee and have my mare near me again. I'm equine deprived and it isn't fun.

I'm trying to figure out why the hell I suddenly feel depressed for the first time in so long. I felt that way after seeing my psychitrist yesterday too. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she's monitoring me for seasonal depression and now I'm kind of lingering on the whole idea. I'd rather not feel that way. I like being happy even if the feeling is chemically induced. This sudden need to go cry in a dark room with my teddy bear and a bunch of sad music really cannot be a good thing. Especially since I have no real reason to feel so ...batty!

There's this field trip to Chicago for my computer class on Thursday but now my other instructor in my tailoring class is giving me crap about it. She says that I've made "so much progress" and "shouldn't stop" but what the hell am I supposed to do? Yes, I'm anxious to get my coat done and move on to the garment that will eventually go underneath but son of a bitch, I can't make everybody happy! I apologize for the fact that there aren't three of me --one to go to Chicago, one to go to class, and one to stay at home in bed! I'm so tired of the majority of my classes and really just want to graduate NOW!

I should be getting my Art History test back tonight too. I'm dreading that because I know that I did horribly. Most other people I've conversed with feel the same way so hopefully it will be curved. There was just far too much information covered in too short of a time.

Obviously being born on October 31st means that my birthday is always fun and rarely forgotten. However I've still managed to have some sucky ones. This year's was easily the best ever though. Not only was it the first year that I recall not suffering from depression (I would have started taking those pills years ago if I'd actually believed they would help me!) but my friends really went out of their way to make it awesome and I was reminded of just how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life (not that I needed a reminder).

Those guys seriously didn't have to get me anything but they went way above and beyond. I got my zombie (and its even cuter and more amusing than I expected) as well as these really adorable Jack Skellington gloves with a matching scarf and my "icky" t-shirt. Unfortunately, the printer BURNED my t-shirt and Amanda is waiting on a new non-toasted one. The design she created for it is really cool though and I seriously LOVE it and can't wait to wear it! Jeremy also got me a super cute purse (its shaped like a casket) and these Jack Skellington socks (can you tell I kinda like that one Tim Burton movie?) I love it all. :)

As if that weren't all enough to make a girl feel loved, Amanda also made me a cake. "Cake" seems like a rather simplified term for what this concoction actually is. Its an insanely delicious layering of chcolate crepes, and chocolate cream, frosted with the best chcolate frosting I've ever tasted. I'm glad I wasn't around when she made it because I hear it got ugly (she got the recipe from Martha Stewart and evidently Martha fucked up and the recipe was a bit of a disaster). Nobody has ever made me a cake from scratch like that before. It was soooo sweet of her and I could have cried. Really, I was quite touched. That cake by the way is my lunch for tomorrow!

Early in the evening Pete and I were joking around and he asked if he was creeping me out. Being my sarcastic self, I responded with "no more than usual." I was completely kidding as he does not creep me out in any way but he seemed to think I was serious. I felt pretty bad about that. I actually sent him a message today just to reiterate the point that I don't feel that way. Note to self: less sarcasm. People don't always interpret it as such.

Aside from that, the Halloween party was just a really fun gathering. I talked to a lot of people and completely behaved myself in the alcohol department. I drank (the homemade cider was phenomonal) but I never even reached the point of being buzzed. I suppose the curry, sushi, guacanole, BBQ pork and carmel apples may have absorbed all of the alcohol. After the beast of a hangover I had last year, I didn't mind not repeating it this year.

Nicole's brother seems to have a little crush on me. He wanted me to go to their place (at 3am when I was in my pajamas and 1/2 asleep) after I'd spoken to him for all of 3 minutes. He seems nice but I'd like to know what he looks like without a beard glued to his face. I honestly have no opinion on the situation as I know nothing about him. However the fact that he's afraid of Amanda (he asked her permission to ask me over) does score him points. I like that quality in a boy. It means that they know not to do anything stupid if they want to live.

So today is my birthday and I'm in a fantastically great mood because Halloween is my favorite day of the year and would be even if it weren't my birthday. My boss got me a card and a gerbera daisy plant. I thought that was so sweet. I really love working at the bank. My mom sent a card with a $25 Target gift card and a check for $100 to go shopping which is great because I need a few things for winter.

I'm dressing up as Wednesday Addams and going to a party at Amanda and Pete's tonight. Should be fun! :)

Its been another crazy week. I spent Thursday in bed with the [2nd] worst light sensitive migraine I've ever had. I waited too long to take my Imitrex, so by the time I actually took it, it just made me throw up ...a lot. It really wasn't fun. Throwing up is so much less unpleasant when you do it intentionally.

My birthday is a week from Saturday and I'm looking forward to it because Halloween is the greatest day of the year. I'm putting the finishing touches on my Wednesday Addams costume tomorrow, but I saw a perfect Cinderella dress today and now part of me wants to go as her corpse. I'm also looking forward to getting my dismemberable zombie and "icky" t-shirt (I have the best friends, really) and whatever my mom is sending me. However, crude as it may sound to some, what I really want for my birthday is to get laid! I haven't had sex in a year and that sucks. I don't care if its a guy, girl or both. However, I have standards. Nobody should be suprised to hear that I don't want to fuck Jeremy. Well, except maybe Jeremy because he's delusional. Why can't I attract the attention of somebody I'd actually like to fuck?

I keep gaining weight and I can't figure out why. Amanda told me to keep a food log for the week and we'll go over it when she's back from New York. I did start my period today so I'm hoping that even a pound or two of it is just water weight. I ate like a pig today (again, likely attributed to my period) so I'm really hoping that I'm not actually 139 lbs! I was upset enough about 136.8. I was 133 pretty consistently for most of the past year. 130 when I was dancing which is surprising because muscle is so heavy and my body was rock solid. I seriously need to find a pole dancing class that meets for 7-8 hours at a time 3-4 days a week ...yeah, that's feasible. Grr :(

I'm hoping to see Andrea this weekend at some point. I can't believe she's moving so soon. I'm seriously going to miss her. I'm glad we got back in touch last year and got reaccquainted but now she's moving half way across the world. Hopefully I get a really good job when I graduate so I can afford airfare.

I HATE SCHOOL! HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT! Outside of school, I actually enjoy my life. I'm happy. I'm sure that's difficult for my professors and classmates to believe, but its true. I simply cannot take any more color stories, trend research, fabric boards or fucking SKETCHBOOKS (I hate those the most of all!) without blowing my top! Everything is so redundant, so boring and have I mentioned that I have no artistic or creative ability whatsoever? It kills me to admit this but I honestly am kissing my spot on the Dean's List goodbye this semester. I can't make myself care about this anymore. Its too late to change my major (my advisor talked me out of doing it last year when it still would have been feasible to do so) so now I'm stuck with a degree I have no interest in using after graduation.

Do I regret ever coming here? No, because I never would have found out how much I suck at this if I hadn't given it a go. I also wouldn't have met some of the wonderful people that have made my life what it is. That doesn't change the fact however that this profession and I are mutually at odds with one another. I'm bored. I honestly HATE my classes. I wish my school would stop factoring attendance into grades because that's pulling my down further. Its so hard to drag your ass out of bed for an 8 o'clock class that you sincerely cannot stand.

Yes I realize that it probably seems like I am bitching for the sake of bitching but I cannot help myself. I know that I am driving the people around me crazy with my incessant complaining but I have yet to get it out of my system. I want to scream! I love my friends, my horse, my job. I'm happy. Then I show up on campus and I'm suddenly this super angry, pessimissitic bitch. I hate myself for acting that way but I'm out of self-control when it comes to the subject. I've hated my major for a solid year now. I'm really mad that I didn't get out when I could/should have. Now its too late and I have $60,000 in debt and no degree as of yet. So basically I have to suffer through another year of this bullshit and get a degree that I have no intention of ever actually using. Employers never actually seem to care what your degree is in so long as you have one, so I'm not particularly worried in terms of that. I'm just annoyed that I've wasted so much time and so much money only to be miserable, extremely in debt and still nowhere.

I haven't updated in awhile. I've been crazy busy this past week with school and with my personal life.

I finally got around to talking to Andrea's fiance'. I am sad to say that I don't hate him despite wanting to so badly considering she's moving so far away because of him. He seems nice enough though and I really just want for my friends to be happy. That doesn't mean I'm not going to miss her though. I think there's still an unread message in my inbox from him in fact --not ignoring anybody, just really not on facebook much these past few days.

Some jealous drama whore in Pete's life was sending Amanda annonymous texts claiming he's cheating on her. People have been trying to create a rift between them since they got together. I will say that I was horribly taken aback however when she asked if I were somehow behind it! I'm the last person that would try to sabotage their relationship. She knows that though, she was just covering her bases. Still, if I had something to say, I'd just come out and say it.

My student loan situation is finally worked out! That just happened this week which is quite ridiculous. I'm going to Fright Fest for Pete's birthday tomorrow. I was glad when Amanda's roommate suggested that she and I carpool because parking is $15-25 and I'd prefer to split that with somebody since I've had a few unexpeted expenses recently and have very little to work with until I get paid Friday. Hell, even if I had money to burn, that seems excessive for parking!

I had a rather tricky Art History test last night. I'm hoping that I did well. For the most part it was easy but I was second-guessing myself on a few questions. I went with my initial answers and hope that pays off.

Yesterday I got an email from ThinkGeek informing me that the Dismember-Me Plush Zombie I've been wanting is back in stock. I immediately tried to order him but couldn't from work. So today my mom called me and told me she was in the process of ordering him for me for my birthday and wanted to know whether to ship it home or to my place. In total excitement I yelled out "you're getting me my zombie!" To which Amanda looked at me and was flailing her arms and saying "no! He's already been ordered!" Pete later informed me that he too was on the email list for when they were restocked and I had one about 90 seconds after the email was sent out. I feel really bad that my mom caused Amanda to have to ruin the surprise because the whole gesture is really touching. Honestly, I could cry. My friends are the best! My mom hasn't taken a gift hint in years -figures she'd do it now, lol. I SO can't wait for my birthday to get it though!

Another note on tha subject, Pete's birthday is on the 10th and I have no idea what to get him. I just got Amanda a card with a $10 Starbucks gift card inside (she's a coffee junkie, it was an obvious and affordable choice) and it seems to me it'd be rude to not acknowledge his birthday especially when I know he's already done something nice for me. I'm not good at understanding people who lack a second X-chromosome. What's an inexpensive yet thoughtful thing to get for a male friend? Suggestions please? I'm used to buying them things like fake vomit (I have a history of immature and antagonistic friendships, lol!)

I was really quite upset on Thursday night when this waiter asked if I was sure I didn't order a diet soda. I felt he was implying that he believed I was some sort of beheameth and needed to lose weight. His name was also Jeremy and Jeremy has been a source of frustration lately so I really kinda hated this waiter from the start. I may have left him a $0.06 tip on a bill that came to $11.94 because my feelings were hurt. Andrea and Amanda both seemed to believe I was overreacting, but I'm a recovering bulimic who has recently gained 6 pounds and I'm kind of sensitive. Soon afterward I was promised my "icky" shirt, given a cookie and found $5 on the ground. It made things better.

I went home yesterday to see Dixie. I hadn't seen Kati in awhile because our schedules weren't lining up but they finally did this weekend. She wanted to do a photoshoot with her new digial SLR but almost as soon as we got there, the farrier showed up. I owe him that $300 still so we got in the car and got the heck out of there. We went back out today though and Dixie was a perfect angel. Kati got a few good shots too but it was quite windy so that was a problem.

Driving back down here I got pulled over. Found out my tail light is burnt out and got a warning for that. Grr! Its always something!

Today I was conversing with Pete on Facebook and found out that Jeremy sincerely believes that 1) I am not actually pissed off about him implying to people that we've slept together and 2) we really would be hooking up if Amanda weren't in the picture. Bullshit! No we would NOT! I tried to be very polite by telling him that I don't date people with children. I didn't want to have to spell out all of the ways that I am so far out of his league, but evidently I may have to. In fact, Pete gave me permission to beat the crap out of Jeremy and I may have to do exactly that at the rate this is going. Why is it that I am perfectly capable of backing off when I am asked to do so, but its so difficult for the men I attract? I didn't even want to attract this one! What the heck?

In other news, I've decided to take the LSAT in February.  My mom said she'll probably be able to pay for it and I have a few LSAT prep books on hold at Barnes & Noble that I plan on picking up after I leave school. I don't know if I really want to be a lawyer but I do know that I don't enjoy fashion anymore and at least law school will pay off.

I'm also completely terrified of relapse but haven't been able to tell anybody. I don't want to be a burden to people and now that I finally appear to be making progress, I don't want anyone to think I'm somehow weaker for admitting that I'm not as strong as they may think. Does that even make sense? I fight the urge to vomit quite frequently. Not every time I eat, but certainly on a daily basis. I want this to go away and become just another memory but I worry that its never going to be that way. I question my own strength and my ability to fight such intense urges. I've been able to so far, but sometimes the urges are so intense that I just barely get by. I hate being alone sometimes because it makes it easier to give in. Thankfully I have a good group of friends and they do keep me out of the house a lot, and the urges to vomit are far less frequent/intense when I'm with others.  It makes me very uncomfortable to think about this or even talk about it. I may have to soon in order to avoid an eruption of sorts however. I really can't afford therapy anymore and for the most part I don't need it anyway (my psychiatrist agrees) but holding everything in really doesn't seem to be a good strategy based upon past experiences.

I just want to be strong enough to deal with this, but its so hard to trust myself. I'm at the three month mark again. Same place I was last time I seriously began fucking it all up again. Its also that time of year where I tend to become dissatisfied with everything in my life, make rash decisions, and fall apart mentally. This worries me.

Since my last entry, my mom sent me money from her property tax account to cover 2 months rent. I'll pay her back when my student loan finally comes through (by the way, its taking ridiculously long!). So that came as a HUGE relief.

I went to a pig roast on Saturday with Amanda and Pete, and a bunch of faire people were there too. I had a really good time socializing and the pig was freakin' delicious! I even dared to try some hagus (which is quite literally ALL of a sheep's insides mashed up and mixed in with oatmeal) and it was pretty good. If I hadn't already been stuffed full of pig, I definitely would have had more than one bite.

One of my professors yelled at me for hating the fashion industry because my tailoring sample (and work from prior semesters) was perfect. I told her I've been looking very seriously at Northwestern Law School. Fashion provides no intellectual challenge (the department head argued with me at length over this just this morning). I'm bored out of my mind. I still really enjoy helping others and would love to teach, so in the meantime I'm going to take another work study job (in addition to the one I have with the costume collection) tutoring people in Kaledo (computer program) and textiles.

Speaking of my awesome work study job, I found the perfect dress for my Wednesday Addams costume! It was on one of the racks destined to be deaccessioned at the vintage sale. All mine for $15 and all I have to do is make it shorter! I'm gonna look so cute at the Halloween parties that I'm going to! :)

In other news, Jeremy got that job and I'm so happy for him.

Last week was filled with drama (psycho ex crawling out of the woodwork, etc.) and evidently the world wants this week to work like that as well. Things in my life have otherwise been going well aside from the fact that my student loan money has yet to be disbursed. So of course what do I come home to? An order to pay rent or vacate within 5 days. Never mind that I spoke to my landlord just last week and supposedly she was okay because she knew she'd get it. After crying, feeling like I was going to puke, calling the student loan people and having my mom hang up on me after telling me my life is too "full of drama" I began calling friends.

I began with Kati because her dad is a lawyer and I question the legality of evicting someone so quickly when they've never been late before. He's at work preparing for trial and I haven't heard from him yet.

I tried calling/texting Amanda but it turns out her phone was on silent. So I finally got a hold of Stephanie who was able to get online and make sure my loan form was signed so that the damn money could get disbursed. I was panicky (understandably, at least in my opinion) and I think she thought I was going to attempt something stupid. I really had no intention of that although I did almost throw up while trying to swallow my pill. That really wasn't intentional though.

So I wound up talking to Amanda who doubts the notice is legal. She seemed quite amazed that my mom wouldn't even attempt to help me out and told me to take the letter to the business office tomorrow and explain the urgency of the situation. She claims she won't let me get evicted and I shouldn't panic but its difficult not to panic right now.

It just sucks because I can't catch a break even though I'm doing everything right! I stopped puking, I'm not suicidal anymore, I go to my appointments, I take my pills, I quit dancing, got a legit job ...what more can I do?

Sunday was Amanda's birthday so a group of us went to this cool movie theater that serves dinner and alcoholic beverages. We saw District 9 though and that is definitely NOT a food movie! This girl, Nikki, and I had to keep looking away from the screen so as not to throw up. I'm not all that easily grossed out, but looking at bloody animal parts and watching insect-like aliens eat canned cat food is very unappetizing. We ended up going back to Pete's place after that and drinking saki, martinis and other various good stuff. Pete got fucked up drunk ...like puking until bile came up drunk! Eew! Everyone else was just fine though. He got Amanda the perfect present and she was seriously so adorably happy. I haven't even seen her that happy with the horse and that's saying something!

I ended up driving from Naperville straight to Manitowoc yesterday because I wanted to see my mare. It normally takes 4 hours but I did it in exactly 3 and I swear I was only doing 70. Maybe traffic was just lighter? Dixie has recovered quite nicely from her injury and seems to have thought of new tricks while she was recooperating. Her latest is to run out of the barn while I'm trying to put her bareback pad on and make me look like an idiot. I wasn't alarmed of course because I know what a pig she is and therefore knew she'd stop as soon as she found grass that she wanted to eat. She's definitely a Sassy Sal! I rode her bareback and I hadn't ridden since she got hurt in July so now I'm in pain. Walking has been difficult today.

School sucked today. I'm finding that it sucks in general because I no longer have any desire to a) work in fashion or b) be in college. I kind of want to drop out but now that I'm $60,000 in debt, I feel trapped. The department head knows exactly how I feel about it. Its the same mind-numbing repitious bullshit in every single class. There's no intellect required. In all honesty, its quite boring. I'm tired of doing trend boards, color stories and design menus. I don't even enjoy looking at fashion magazines anymore! I haven't bought one in over a year. I just want to graduate, move, get a stable job and be able to have my horse with me. That's it. I really don't want that much out of life.

I also met with my therapist this afternoon and she believes I'm doing quite well. She thinks I probably still love fashion and just hate the environment and she could be right. I really do hate my school and had intended to transfer this year but Dianne ruined that when she flunked me (while I was in the fucking hospital with mono) grr! But I haven't purged in over 3 months now. I also haven't had any thoughts of self-injury or suicide. In fact, as long as I stay the hell away from campus, I'm happy. I have an awesome support system and I really feel that I've come a long way. My shrink couldn't be happier. I now only have to check in once every couple of months and keep taking my pills.

Today while I was working at the bank a vaguely familiar looking guy walked in. I couldn't quite place him until after completing his transaction with a different teller when he circled the lobby and came over to stare at me. It then became obvious that I'd seen him before and this was merely the first time I'd seen him in actual daylight. It was Al. Yes, the dominatrix guy from the strip club. THAT Al! I couldn't freakin believe it! It was awkward. He however merely asked me the time and left. I don't think he actually knew that I worked there. I doubt he'll be back. Still, it made me nauseous.

I'm really worried about my one co-worker, Janet. She has this alcoholic friend with a liver problem that just discharged himself from the hospital today against the advice of 5 different doctors. He's been there for two weeks and she's been there everyday bringing him books, pillows, an iPod, etc and she's not the only friend that's done this for him. She's (understanably) pissed because if he doesn't care about himself, you think he'd at least have some cnsideration for all the people who care about him. She isn't quite herself because she's pretty worried he'll wind up dead by Monday.

I just received a text a few minutes ago. Appearantly we're going out to celebrate Amanda's birthday tomorrow. Cool beans. I just hope I can find a place to get a quick oil change between work and when I have to leave for Pete's place. I'm really overdue and will feel much better once I take care of that.

As for Paul, I got an Order of Protection against him from the police. If he contacts me in any way, they're taking his ass to jail.

Couple the fun-filled night I had thanks to Paul last night (see previous entry) with the things Jeremy has been doing lately and I really have to wonder if I'm just a douche magnet.

Jeremy was acting like a pathetic little emo boy on Saturday night. I texted him because it was his birthday and he was going on and on (once again) about how much his life sucks. He also (once again) refused to do anything about it or take any of the good advice I've tried offering him over the past few months. I told Amanda he was acting like a little bitch. She said he'd been drinking all day and that he acts like that when he drinks. He always seems to be drinking. He never wants to do anything to improve his situation and he doesn't understand why I get pissed. Wanna talk shitty life? I could probably win that contest 9 times out of 10 but I do something about it. I go to therapy and take my pills and I've fought some serious battles, but I do the work! I have no sympathy for those who complain but do nothing to help themselves.

Today he went around faire telling everybody that he and I "had a thing for awhile" (we never had a thing! He got drunk, tried making out with me and I pushed him away!) and that we'd be together if it weren't for the fact that I don't like kids. NO WE WOULD NOT! It was a convenient excuse and a way of letting him down easy without looking like a bitch! He then proceeded to tell Bear, Bruce and Leslie that we have "the kind of relationship where we flirt back and forth for fun." No, we don't. HE flirts with me, grabs my ass, makes sexual references, etc. I yell at him, give him dirty looks and tell him to shut the fuck up. I even tried hitting him once, but he enjoyed that. Today he asked me if "we" should get this pair of leather handcuffs. Not saying I wouldn't love to use them, but NOT with him! He didn't seem to take the hint when I asked if he knew any (other) attractive males or females I could hook up with. Instead he tried making another pass at me!

Then on the way out of faire Amanda and I were trying to educate him and (mainly) Pete on women. He can't seem to differentiate between women that are his friends and women that just want to get in his pants. Seriously, the poor guy is clueless and he attracts more desperate, horny bitches than anyone I've ever known. I made a comment along the lines of that being why he's lucky to know honest women like Amanda and myself. Jeremy decided this would be the perfect time to say that there's "no such thing as an honest woman." I nearly slapped him right then and there! Amanda asked him if there was any sort of exception for the two of us as we happen to be extremely honest. He said no. Then the jackass seemed to wonder why we stormed off, said he was an asshole and felt no need to converse with him further. Grr! I cannot believe he said that! Comments like that coupled with his drinking and lack of motivation, and he wonders why he can't get laid!

Last night I went to bed looking forward to a night of peaceful slumber. I was sleeping quite well until my phone rang at 1am and I didn't recognize the number. I ignored it but was again disrupted by my voicemail alarm. I listened to it and it was none other than my psychotic, alcoholic ex. The phone rang again about 15 minutes later and then again shortly after that. During this time I also noticed him flooding my Facebook inbox and sending me friend requests.

I finally answered the third time he called in the hopes that I could convince him to leave me the fuck alone. No such luck. He "misses me" because I'm his "best friend" and there are "so many things we never said to each other." I dumped him on December 30th and its now September for christ's sake! Can't he move on with his sad life? I told him that he's toxic and we only used each other as a means of justifying our self-destructive behaviors. He then rephrased everything I said to make it sound like he said it first. He never could keep up with me mentally. The fact that he was drunk off his ass (as usual) wasn't helping him in that department.

After I hung up on the bastard because he wouldn't shut up, he continued to call leaving uninteligible voicemail messages and texted me thoughout the night.I'm filing an order of protection with the police because he keeps saying he's coming to my place and wants to see me again. He also says he's gay, but if he can't have me, nobody else should. This is the same person who once told me he doesn't own a gun because hed go on a mad killing spree before killing himself. He also said he should have beaten my ass when he had the chance. Why does he keep resurfacing? Every time I think the bastard's gone! How am I his best friend? I hate him! What part of "get your stuff out of my place, I never wanna see you again" wasn't clear?

I never do these but I'm bored and far to lazy to do something productive.

Outfit you wore today?
Black sweater, white cami, black pants, black earrings, black ballet flats.

What you had for lunch?
Penne Roma from Noodles & Co.

Last text conversation?
Evidently Amanda is making me a t-shirt that says purging is "icky" for my birthday. Sweet!

Weekend plans?
Work, homework, grocery shopping, faire.

Your last email was from?
My boss.

Last time you talked to your mom?
Last weekend when she called to tell me what a "geek" I am for hanging out at faire all the time.

Last time you were truly happy?
When I saw my horse on Wednesday.

Something that really annoys you?
Sketchbooks! Fucking HATE doing those!

Last person you hugged?
Probably Amanda

Last time you cried?
I actually don't recall. I think it was around the time I quit dancing. I've been fairly happy since then.

Last time you were truly pissed off?
When Al (the dominatrix guy) called me last Sunday.

5 Foods you really dislike?
Olives, meatloaf, bologna, pears, Chicken in a Biskit

Do you like your job?
I LOVE my job! :)

Do you have any true friends?
I believe so, and I'd bury bodies for them :)

The last person you kissed?
This cute girl at faire named Liz.

Favorite holiday?
Halloween, duh! 365 days in the year and I was born on the BEST one of all!

Last thing you bought?
An Art History textbook ...to the tune of $118.60!

Worst fears?
Becoming fat, being alone, financial insecurity, losing my horse.

Favorite place to be?
With horses, of course.

Ever been in love?
Thought I was once, but I don't think so anymore.

I'm burnt out on school. I have $60,000 in student loan debt and no longer care about working in the fashion industry. I want a degree and a steady job. That's it. I'm tired of projects, papers, bullshit classes that fail to interest me and most of all, I'm tired of being a fifth year undergrad! I want some actual direction in life.

Today one of my professors asked why I was still in school with my attitude. I explined that its because I have $60,000 in debt and at least want a degree to show for it. I don't see myself in fashion though. I don't belong in corporate design and I lack the motivation to be an entrepreneur. I'll gladly work a well paying office job but I'd rather do something mundane than be a "designer" and have my creativity stifled.

I'm not this cynical about the rest of my ife. I'm just totally OVER being in school! I'm ready to get the heck out of this city and not spend my evenings and weekends obsessing over school work, etc.

Today I was informed via text message that my sister is giving all of my stuff away. I was later informed that this was my mother's brilliant plan and that she bribed my sister with new furniture in order to do this. Aside from my absolute fury at the idea of somebody else giving my stuff away, I want to know why my mother has no money to send me for food, but can afford to buy my sister new furniture when my apartment is basically unfurnished and the furniture that my sister has is perfectly fine!  I'm so beyond annoyed right now that I don't even have words for it.

On top of that, she won't even wait until I have a chance to go home tomorrow and go through the things I might want.  The little bitch starts classes tomorrow and therefore must do this today.  Never mind that I started classes yesterday and can't come home tonight because I have an evening class! Grr!