vanka_dee

After being at home for almost seven weeks (when I'd planned on being there only 3 days) and talking to my boyfriend periodically, I was under the [obviously mistaken] impression that he actually gave a damn about me. He kept saying that he missed me and that I had to get back down here (not that he couldn't have driven a lousy hour to visit me when I was in the hospital) and despite all of the other hurtful things that he'd said to me over those weeks (implying that I'm a slut and a gold digger as well as saying that I've been gone so long he's "not sure" if he misses me anymore) I honestly did miss him and want to see him.  So after getting very annoyed with my sister last night, I decided to come back to my apartment for a few days before my mom comes home from California.  He insisted that I call him as soon as I got back to Milwaukee and since it was late we decided we'd try and see each other tonight instead.

So tonight he called me at 5:30 to tell me that he's on his way to my place.  The drive here from Mequon should take about 20 minutes and when 3 hours later he still hadn't shown up or called, I got pissed.  So pissed in fact that I began to leave a message that said he'd better be lying in a ditch somewhere, but decided against it.  Its not the first time he's done shit like this. He's such a raging alcoholic that he can't make it from point A to point B without stopping at half the bars along the way and it infuriates me how he thinks that I have NOTHING better to do than sit around waiting for him!  When I tried to tell him that his response was "When have I done this before, fuck you!" (Never mind that my best friend happened to be visiting the last time he did this because he can't ever remember anything). You have no idea how hard I tried to be non-confrontational but I honestly wanted to tell him to go to hell. He can say whatever the hell he wants and I'm just supposed to put up with it, but the minute I try to express any of my feelings he turns into a defensive asshole. The worst part is how I inevitably wind up apologizing when 95% of the time, he's the one that should be apologizing for something! I mean come on, it was the first night I'd been home (and not sick) in over two months. I could have gone out with some friends but no, I was waiting for his sorry ass because he said he was on his way!

Maybe its better this way. He obviously doesn't respect me or listen to a damn thing I say. I asked him several times not to smoke in my apartment, but his fucking ashes are all over my computer desk as well as ground into my WHITE area rug! "Oh, I'll replace it" he says, but those stains have been there for two fucking months and it infuriates me because I like for my place to look presentable and now it doesn't! I'm sorry that I don't have expensive things and have a trust fund and come from Mequon but damn it, I'm not white trash and I work hard for the things that I have and I don't appreciate some pompous asshole messing up my stuff!

I'm just somebody for him to fuck because its convenient. I'm sure he tells everybody all sorts of shit about me because he talks that way about everybody. Just once I wish he'd get what's coming to him. Just once I wish he'd know how it felt. And you know, I hope that he gets help because underneath the drugs and the alcohol, there's somebody that I began to fall in love with. Somebody that he's killing and I'm not strong enough to watch him do it. As it is, he made me so fucking angry that I had to purge something just to calm myself down and release some of that pent up rage.  Heaven knows I can't take it out on him because he's too drunk to comprehend anything and what little bit he does he'll just twist around and tell everyone on our show circuit what a "crazy bitch" I am. Why do I attract such jerks?